Cover: "Got Ammo" Blonde female Capriola character in tanktop-like shirt, jeans, gunbelt containing pistol, carrying a semi-automatic (or for all I know full automatic) firearm. - M.K. Capriola THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED Volume 16 issue 13 ***************************************************************************** My thanks to the Dead People Server Dead People Server (http://dpsinfo.com/dps/2005.html) for some of the bio info in here. Ye Ed ***************************************************************************** ======================== ANDRE NORTON 1912-2005 Farewell, Moonsinger! HANS BETHE 1906-2005 Ad astra per aspera KAROL WOJTYLA Aka Pope John Paul II 1920 - 2005 ======================== Mr Frank B. Parker wears a orange flightsuit well. (He may have destroyed those tapes, but the show "Seven Days" is still airing on the cable network "Spike TV".) As the tug-o-war over Gary over continues, The Pirate Captain picks up the iron bar, rubs the 2-inch lump on his head and takes a swing with it at Phil the Cat. The "slow" spell is wearing off, but all the large cat does to the smaller is rip one of the pockets of his shirt. A flood of pencils, pens, and the odd crayon or two flows of the pocket! And shows no sign of stoping any time soon!!! Gary Miller gasped and groaned as he was pulled in two directions; upwards by the two skunk-pirates, and downwards by his mate and Alan the mouse 'morph. "Let go of me!" he demanded the furry brigands. Almost in response to the Human's request, Libby's eye-lasers cut through the bungee cords. A ripping sound can be heard as the Brit makes a grab at Tana's full-length skirt. He trys a kick at Alan, just as the bungee cords get cut. He sees it and has time to only say "Oh, Bullocks......." *Insert loud sound of a bowl- ing strike!* "Hey, kids! Be sure to purchase the new Pissants CD "Slippery Friends," fea- turing their new hit single "Greasy Favors." Remember, anyone who is not hip gets fed to the sharks. -- Sam the Spam, offering the BS-est PR while you wait. No Jive. And no refunds. Call 1-800-EXP-LOIT Back on the Golden Sunrise, Crystal has found the remote and was turn back toward the large screen TV that MSM was still watching. "Look at this thing. It must weigh close to...." **Higher brain functions shutting down. Pure Instinct proto-calls running!** "Crystal" slams the heavy remote against the back of MSM's head! She then turns and runs headlong at the cabin door! It never stands a change and goes all to pieces. "Crystal" bounds out into the hallway with a growl.... **Pure Instinct supply level low, reinstating Higher Brain functions.** "10 lbs or so. I.." Crystal blinks and looks around at a different cabin on the ship. The door is blocked with most of the things in this one. "What the.?" Her clothes are soaked with sweat. A piece of the broken remote is still in one hand and some blood on the other... Crystal faints and falls onto the bare floor... BLOODSTONE: Your order of "Cuissot de loup, sause chevreuil" & "Le chat flam- qué de rats" is ready. V. SCIENTIST: Someone who discovers Things Man Was Not Meant to Know, then pub- lishes them. --S. John Ross and Christopher Thrash, from "Travelling Light: A Risus Con- version for Traveller" Whoever's doing "How to Survive a Horror Movie" has, so far, left out the ultimate rule: If you succeed in surviving - DON'T DO THE SEQUEL! I'm Chiquita banana and I've come to say Bananas have to ripen in a certain way When they are fleck'd with brown and have a golden hue Bananas taste the best and are best for you You can put them in a salad You can put them in a pie-aya Any way you want to eat them It's impossible to beat them But, bananas like the climate of the very, very tropical equator So you should never put bananas in the refrigerator. I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say If you want to get rid of your teacher today Just peel a banana and lay it on the floor And watch your teacher go sliding out the door! FICTATOR: The reason I said "not in this solar system" is she, like most of us, is not what she seems. H is an antimatter dragon, where we are matter. Acia AGENT 13-19: While you're a rider on me, just think of what you want of me and the Cathouse. Tan As Tan runs through the wormholes of time to his home, they see others run- ning along or going in the other direction. One by one, Magus and his lieutenants begin to glow with magical auras. As H glows a little. "What next, magus?" she asks. H: *That's* up to *you*, jeermistress. Do your worst... unless the grade- school insults were it...MAGUS. ACIA: Oh, no... I was afraid of this; H got *him* mad... and I don't mean Magus!...THE FICTATOR... Picture: Camilla and Wendell "Getting your rocks off". Wendell is reading from a paper in his hand. Wendell: "Camilla, according to this pamphlet 'The Power of Stones', that bit of calcite I have in my mineral collection will balance my sexual chakra. Bein' a neuter, do I even have a sexual chakra?" Camilla "Diet chakra, maybe..." Scott Thomas (3/05) ...I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't myyaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porblem. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amxanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmo- rantt.... --Plergb. I tinhk Ye Tpio Mnoxetr is mdaly in lvoe with you. Ye Ed-- --Interestingly enough, of the 54 words spelled sideways in that paragraph, my spelling checker correctily identified 38 with its first guess. Also there are a few typoes in there, where the letters are not all correct or the first and last are off, and it's still readable. Reminds me of when I first started having trouble with presbyiopia. I could read just fine in bright sunlight; I knew that it was getting dark enough that I needed my glasses when I found I could not read non-familiar names, even though the rest of the text was still clear enough. This was the tipoff that I wasn't actually see- ing all the letters - just the form of the whole. Ye Ed Again-- Picture: Melancholia Jones sez "www.roadsquadron.com... but even better, if completely unrelated site is http://bellend.str.tok.net/~tyler/cthulhu/ or search under "Cthulhy Chick Tract" - a parody of Jack Chick religious tracts. I remember seeing those somewhat creepy religious tracts as a child, but never knew who produced them." Speaker is wearing a "Hello (heart) Cthulhu" t-shirt. Scott Thomas, 3/05 How can anyone govern a nation that has 246 different kinds of cheese? - Charles de Gaulle "Er...'two bits'?" says Charles the Pseudobong, tapping Yuri's weapon back. He then takes out what resembles an ordinary CD. "Look: Maybe...*Maybe*...you can down the Omniinterocator without this; but this is the only chance we have of returning your friend...our friends...to nor- mal." He gestures toward a particularly zany contraption that looks like a mechanical oneman band. "I put this in there, and we wait to see if it works," he says to Yuri. "What do you say?" Yuri shrugs, "Worth a try." Charles goes over to the machine...a genuine HB Callioposaxaviatrumparimba- claribassotrombophone... and inserts the CD into the handy slot. "What th' heck?" said Jazz Jackrabbit when he saw his latest batch of foes. "Is this Devan Shell's last line of defense? This...geek squad?" The green hare scrutinized the young turtles and concluded "No sense in takin' chances." And with that, he opened fire. Enough of the turtle-kids manage to dodge Jazz's fire and let fly with a barrage from their slingshots. Interestingly, most of the cold-capsule- shaped missiles don't come anywhere near him... The turtle-kids then begin to fire their water pistols ...at the scattered capsules, which blossom into ten-foot-tall Instant Aliens...not quite the classic Warner butt-ugly sorta-flamingoids, but you get the idea... This more formidable group advances on Jazz. The MINES in the MINE are MINE. THOG'S MASTERCLASS. *Extreme Heliography Dept*. "Signal Mirror: This item may be used to transmit messages in Morse or a similar code over distances of up to 5 miles in full sunlight, up to 2 miles during overcast weather, and up to 1 mile at night." (Stargate SG-1 Role- Playing Game, 2003) [AK](as usual, boosted from Ansible - in this case number 212. No idea whose initials those are. See http://ansible.co.uk/) The Gingham Dog's patience isn't unlimited. After all, if he wanted to be pushed around like a lowly peon, he could've stuck with his real-life job... * When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. * When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on! * Never say that you'll be right back because you won't. From "How To Survive A Horror Movie" Picture: Pointy eared individual. "The warning saturated odd shape of paper is the peel-off back of a sticker. Someboyd is just wound waaaay too tight... the world needs to chill some." The sticker contains the phrase "This product is in compliance with the appropriate requirements of ASTM F 963-96a Standard Consumer Safety Specification on Toy Safety of USA and Me- chanical Hazard requirments of 16CFR 1500, Federal Hazardouns Substances Act (FSHA) to include the Falmability Requirement of 16CFR 1500 3(c)(e)(v1),.." and a lota other verbiage of that nature that I don't feel like typing. Scott Thomas (3/05) ON CHIVALRY: A SEMI-TRUE STORY By M.K. Capriola So, I was watching this young woman about 20 years old in a Banquet wait- staff uniform weighed under by two huge plastic racks full of glasses and struggling down the hotel's service corridor. At the end of the hall she ma- neuvered the lower corner of the bottom rack against the elevator button to open the doors. It occurred to me, then, that if I was a gentleman I should run over and offer to help her out. And the best help I could offer was, "Go to college and get a Master's De- gree or you'll be doing this the rest of your life." RECOMMENDED READING: "Think You're the Only One? Oddball Groups Where Out- siders Fit In" by Seth Brown. Do you like eating over the sink? Have a pas- sion for pet rats? Are you a female member of the SCA who wants to fight? If so, then this book will help you find organizations that share your unusual interests. It lists more than 60 off-beat groups, including Solid Rock/Climbers for Christ, The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, and The Sina- gogue of Satan. Picture: Bunny Foo Foo Tour, the Pissants. M. Capriola Jr. ***************************************************************************** SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND HILLTOP CASTLE Presents Chapter 19: "The Origin of Bloodstone, In Her Own Words" Yes, volken, this is an Origin Story, just like in the old Marvel and DC com- ics used to have back in the Silly Sixties. Brought to you by Masher Brand. "Coffee so fresh, you have to slap its face," and Tammy Guchi, makers of Virtual Children and Disposable Spouses. I. "I was born in a woodlands holt. I have parents, just like you do, expect better." Next time: Chapter 20, in which we go back to slogging thru the countryside. SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND HILLTOP CASTLE By April Phool [Note: Micky and Penny found some typos in Chapter 18, so they're chasing Ca- priola down the street with baseball bats. That means I get to write Chapter 20 all by my lonesome. *evil cackle*] CHAPTER 20: THE BOY STOOD ON THE BURNING DRECK [BGM -- "I'm Going Down to Jacksonville to Soak Up the Sun and Kick the Crap Out of My Ex-Boyfriend" by the Pissants] Gingham Dog and the two elves followed Ann Jynah up the road to the Second Hilltop Castle. The sorceress chatted about local customs and history and who was doing what to whom. The Gingham Dog tried to slip in questions about the layout of the castle. The goal, after all, was to rob the place. About an hour before lunch, Bloodstone took off into the woods alongside the road. She returned to her companions with a freshly killed rabbit just as they were sitting down to eat. Bloodstone ripped apart the rabbit with her teeth and offered a bloody shank to Ann Jynah who declined the offer of fresh meat by rolling her eyes up until only the whites showed and then drop- ping to the ground in a dead faiant. In the meanwhile, back in Sedan, the gang of foreign sorceresses debated about how best to handle their internal squabbles, care for their sick and injured, and beat their rivals to the Castle. "Mazoe and Gliten aren't going anywhere for a few days," the Mor Rigan an- nounced. "So, who is to stay with them and who is to look for the treasure?" "You're the healer," Tyronoe said. "You'd best stay with them. Gliton and I will go after the treasure." "And how shall we divide the spoils?" Gliton asked. "Equally," Tyronoe answered. "A share each for me, Morgain, you, your twin, Mazoe, me and Morgain. That's seven shares all together." "There's only five of us. You named yourself and Morgain twice." "What of it?" Gliton glanced back and forth between Tyronoe and the Mor Rigan. "Ummm.... Nothing. Sounds, uh, reasonably fair to me." "Good. Let's get ready." Tyronoe turned to the Mor Rigan. "Alright if we take your packhorse with us?" "Vesket? Certainly. She could use the exercise." Vesket, standing by after fetching hot water and towels for her mistress, sighed inwardly. More lugging of luggage. There had to be a better way to earn 2.5 semi-square meals a day and a roof over her head some of the time. "Foreign sorceresses"? the dung seller repeated. "Yeah, I heard dere was some of dem here-abouts." He pointed at a woman and child heading down the street towards the western exit from the town. Behind them a dark-haired Flitterfolk girl, two canvas bags slung over her shouldrs, struggled to keep the pace. "Dare's a couple of dem now. Dat kid and dat woman wid da red hair. I was in da dry goods store dis morning when dey stopped in and I lis- tened to dem talking. Dat woman was an old lady when she came to down yes- terday. Now she's young again. Sorcery for certain." Halys swept her wings back and stared after the woman and child. "Thank- ings to you." Halys tossed a copper coin to the man who shuffled off. Neither resembled Morgain, but if the woman could alter her appearance then she might be Morgain after all. And if the woman could change appearance, then why not the child? Maybe the kid was Morgain. When Halys was a child back in the old country, the village shaman would tell stories about mighty demons and sorcerers who could change their shape and size. But her friend the science officer from the starship *U.S.S. Wossnaim* had said changing size wasn't possible. "If a person shrank to the size of a mouse, the excess matter cast off *could* be converted to energy, but the resulting explosion would take out half a county." Halys, being neither a shaman nor a science officer, didn't know whether or not a powerful magic user could shrink in size. Only way to find out was to follow the pair and see what happened. And if it turned out that neither of them was Morgain, Halys could console herself by shooting the Mountain Folk Flittergirl. The Forest Folk Flitterwoman squared her shoulders (which is much easier than squaring a circle) and turned west to follow her quarry. Meanwhilst, the elves have eaten Ann Jynah's lunch while Ann took her un- scheduled midday nap. After lunch and naps, the party continued on down the road to the village of Neuter on the Spaid River. A ferry took them across the Spaid to the village of Old Ter on the west bank. After tailing the trio for some ways, Halys paused when they turned onto the road leading to Neuter. She checked her map and realized that, if she took the other road towards Pewter and flew across the river to Old Ter, she could set up an ambush. Chuckling to herself, she took wing and headed towards Pewter. Picture: Young Morgain le Fay, apprentice to Atropos, discovers that one can shorten a life throught the strategic use of unauthorized knots. Morgain working on a hand loom with a thoughtful look on her face. Thought balloon "This ought to take effect right around the next Ides of March." M. Capriola Jr. CHAPTER 21: THE BIG AMBUSH SCENE [BGM -- "Here I Come Constantinople" by The Residents] Halys dropped out of the treetop where she'd been hiding, using her wings to slow her fall. She landed in front of the travellers and placed the bar- rel of her weapon inches from the nose of the woman with the flame hanging in the air over her head. "Nobody is movings, or I am shooting brains all over everywheres!" Ann Jynah and her companions stopped dead in their tracks. "Say, that looks like a Smith & Wooten Mark Five Headbanger," the Gingham Dog observed. "Mark Seven," Halys corrected. She stepped back and studied her captives. "Ah, spit and puke! You are being the wrong peoples. I am needing to make new bushwackings." "Who were you trying to ambush?" Ann Jynah asked as she slowly lowered her arms. "Two sorcery women and a godsdammingthem Mountain Folk Flitterperson." "Crap!" "Calm down, Dog Boy. So, uh, flying girl -- you say there are sorceresses nearby? Did they come out from Sedan?" "Yep," Halys answered and holstered her weapon. "One is being young woman who was being old woman yesterday." "Crap again! Must be Tyronoe." "And one is being a children. Can childrens do sorcery? Maybe she is be- ing Morgain in disguises." "Say, Tinkerbell, if --" "What you callings me?" Halys demanded, resting her hand on the butt of her pistol. "Sorry," GD apologized. "What's your name, by the way." "Halys Ifrit." "Well, Miz Ifrit, if --" "*General* Ifrit. I am once upon a time beings commander of Tenth Temporal Brigade." "Right. General. M'am. If a dark-haired, ah, Flittergirl is with them, then the 'child' might be her mistress, the Mor Rigan. Or her kid sister, Mazoe." The Gingham Dog slapped his forehead. "Wait a minute! There were two children -- twins -- who had a run-in with Mazoe. One of the kids and Mazoe blasted each other and had to be carried off to the inn. They're all sisters. Mor Rigan, Tyronoe, Mazoe, the twins...." "Big family," Eri commented. "Morgain has eight sisters," Halys informed them. "*Eight*?! They'll be popping out of the woodwork next," GD said. "Just who are these sorceressess, and what have they to do with us?" Ann asked. "They're on their way to rob the Second Hilltop Castle," Bloodstone an- nounced. Ann stared wide-eyed at the elf, then tossed back her head and laughed. The flame danced merrily. "They are in for a very big surprise then." "What kind of surprise?" GD inquired. Ann wagged a finger. "That's a secret. But anyone who attempts to rob the Castle of her most Exhalted Splendid Wisdom is doomed to failure." "Oh, we'll help you guard the treasure," Bloodstone said, licking her lips. "There is no need for that, Ann Jynah said. "Well, we best be on our way. We'll leave General Ifrit to her ambushing." "May I ask a question, General?" Eri pointed at the holster. "Just what is that thing, anyway?" In answer, Halys pulled the pistol free and sighted on a squirrel that had just hopped onto a nearby treestump. "You are coverings your ears, please." She cocked the hammer. Ann Jynah and the Gingham dog complied, but the elves looked puzzled. "Cover up our ears?" Eri asked. Bloodstone took a more belligerant attitude. "Why? You don't like the way they look or someth--" BLAM!!! "I hear a bell ringing inside my head," Bloodstone announced in a soft voice. "I think I wet myself," Eri remarked. "That squirrel's a mess," Gingham Dog observed. "That is certainly no way to treat our furry forest friends," Ann Jynah scolded. "Screw it," Halys answered and reholstered her weapon. [Author's Note: We used a stunt squirrel, blanks and a "squab." No actual animals were harmed during the making of this story. We save that for the weekend.] Picture: Album cover for The Pissants, Jagged Little Filly. Picture of the Band (if you want details buy hard copy... :)), M. Capriola Jr. SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND HILLTOP CASTLE CHAPTER 22: A CAMEL IS A HORSE DESIGNED BY A COMMITTEE OR, WE THOUGHT VESKET WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAIN VIEWPOINT CHARACTER by Penelope Arcade and Michelle Maus over the objections of April Phool PART 1, TAKE 4 [BGM: "Greasy Favors" by the Pissants, from their album "Slippery Friends"] In the beginning the world was without form, and a Sky God voided. And the Earth Goddess was very appreciative of this gift of fertilizer and gave birth to all the creatures of land and air and sea. And everyone could have lived happily ever after, but the Sky and the Earth found something trivial to argue about, as married couples are wont to do. And the Sky grew angry, and in His wrath hurled lightning bolts onto the Earth, carving great deep wounds in the body of His wife. And the Earth responded in kind, stabbing great massives of her body up- wards in pointy, rocky fingers to wound the Sky. And thus there came to be canyons and mountain ranges. And it came to pass that the winged children of the Sky and Earth began to quarrel amongst themselves. The lesser of them went to live with Earth's daughter Forest, and the best of them went to dwell with Her son Mountain. And many generations passed, and the two Peoples of Mountain and Forest dwelt apart and were greatly pleased with this state of affairs. Then there arose a great leader from among the Mountain People who spake unto his bre- theren saying, "Those dipsticks in the Forest are simple folk who can't really manage their affairs properly, so we should go down from the Mountains and bestow our enlightened overlordship upon them. And eat their great stores of food." And so the Mountain warriors girded up their loins and went down into the Forest to bring enlightened government to the savages. "That's a very interesting story," Tyronoe remarked after Vesket finished her recital. The sorceress prodded the campfire with a stick. "Did the Forest people appreciate being conquered?" Gliton asked. "Dunno. Guess so," Vesket said with a shrug. "They seem happy enough as long as they have someone to tell them what to do, and they have time to sing and dance. They have natural rhythm, you know. My family wasn't very well off, so we only owned two Forest people, Nanny and Potter." "*Owned* them?" Gliton said, surprised. "Oh, yes. And we got them at a good price. "Well, that's alright, then," Tyronoe remarked. "Nanny looked after us children and helped Mother with the household chores. Potter assisted my father and uncle in the workshop where they make the best bowls and vases in the town." "What, didn't they have names?" "Well, my father's name is -- " "No," Gliton interrupted. "I meant your Nanny and Potter. What were their names?" Vesket looked surprised. "We don't give our servants names. Forest folk are very simple. They are called what they do because that is easiest for them." "How can you tell the Mountain people and the Forest people apart?" Tyronoe asked. "We have dark hair, and the Forest people are blondes." "'And it came to pass that the blond joke was invented,'" Gliton intoned. "You know," Tyronoe mused, "since you are *our* servant -- or more pre- cisely, our sister's servant -- we should call you 'Servant' or 'Packhorse' instead of Basket or Messkit or whatever your name is." "Vesket. It's Vesket." "And that matters to whom?" Gliton tossed a few sticks of wood onto the fire. "I get along fine just called her, 'You! Girl!'" "That's too general, sister. She lugs luggage, so why not 'Packhorse.'?" "Okay. Packhorse it is." Tyronoe turned to Vesket. "Any objections?" "No, Exhalted One." Tyronoe chuckled. "That's what I like. A place for everything, and every- one in his or her place." PART 2, TAKE-OUT [BGM: "Chinese Rhetoric As a Governmental Response To Management Theory" by the Pissants] "So, tell me, Mz Jynah," the Gingham Dog remarked. "Just where have you seen a firearm before? I didn't think they had that kind of technology here in Chutzpah." "What, pray tell, is a 'firearm,' Mister Dog?" "A pistol. Like that Smith & Wooten the fairy girl was carrying." "Oh, I've never seen the like of that." "Then why did you cover your ears?" "She said to." "That's logical." The party slogged up the road until they came to a ruined stone wall and gateway. A hand-painted sign above the gateway read, "Abandon Bob Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here." One of the gates hung loosely from rusted hinges, swaying in the wind. As they stood before it, the gate fell off its hinges, splin- tered in half, and joined its comrade on the ground. "This is the outer wall of the First Hilltop Castle," Ann Jynah announced. "Or what's left of it," she amended. "So we just go through here, then?" "Oh, no, Mister Dog! That would be very dangerous indeed." "I sense a magical aura around it," Eri commented. "Yes," said the Journey sorceress. "We have to go around the side." She checked the position of the sun. "We have to hurry up or wait. Come along quickly now." The party slogged up the side road that ran alongside the old wall. PART 3, TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME [BGM: "On Being a Participant of the Dominant Culture" by the Pissants] Gliton hunkered down further behind the bolder and threw an arm over her head as another shot ricochetted off the rock. "Danu preserve us! Where did that twit get a *gun*!" "Damifino," Tyronoe answered from beside her sister. She glanced down the hill where Vesket lay face down in the grass, both arms wrapped around her head. "More importantly, why is she shooting at us?" "Hey, you!" Halys called out. "You sorcery peoples! Which ones of you is being Morgain?" "Morgain?" Gliton repeated. "What does she want with our sister?" "Not our problem. I hope." Tyronoe raised her voice. "Neither! Morgain is not here!" "Hokay! Then you are comings out for interrogations and hangings, please!" "Not right now!" Tyronoe answered. "We're busy!" "Ho ho! Funnies lady!" Another shot whistled overhead. "One of us needs to work her way around to the side and outflank that jerk," Tyronoe mused. "Go off to the left, sister, while I keep our gun- happy friend busy." "Why me?" Gliton whined. "Why not?" Gliton said something unladylike, then began to crawl down the hill and to the left. "What do you want with Morgain?" Tyronoe called out. "Am just wanting to kills her!" "Is that all?" "No. Also wants to shoots dead that Mountain Folk girl who is having fami- lies tree with no forks in it." Vesket whimpered. "Oh, you must be a Forest Folk person, then. I hear tell that your kind has natural rhythm. Do you know any good folk songs?" "No, but I am dancings on your graves pretty soonest, you bet!" "You're pretty uppity for a Forest Folk person. Didn't your Mountain Folk owner teach you any manners, young lady?" "[Censored]!!!" Vesket lifted her head. "She is kind of uppity and ill-mannered." And lowered it again. "And ill-tempered," said said to the ground. "Say, Forest Girl! Didn't you have a pony in Chapter Sixteen?" "What?" "I said, 'Didn't you have a pony in Chapter Sixteen?'" Tyronoe waited a while for an answer, but none was forthcoming. "I only mention it because we were supposed to buy a flying carpet but ended up with a sedan chair instead. I only mention it because there seems to be some sort of continuity problem." Silence. "You still there, Forest Girl?" More silence. "I didn't mean to overload your tiny brain by asking about the pony." [Note from Penny: Michelle, how does Tyronoe know that Halys had a pony in Chapter 16?] [Note from Michelle: She can't know. That's why it's funny.] [Note from April: Oh, that's what you call funny, is it?] [Note from Michelle: **** off, April.] "Did you sell the pony to buy bullets, or did you just get hungry one day and eat it?" Even more silence. "Vesket, dear, would you stand up and see if that bushwacking Forest Girl is still out there." Vesket lifted her head. "Most humbly begging your pardon, Exhalted One, but are you out of your mind?" Tyronoe picked up a stick and raised it above the boulder. She waved it about, but nothing happened. "Gliton must have gotten her. But then why doesn't my sister call 'all clear.' Aye, it's a puzzle for sure." Tyronoe waited a bit longer, then called out, "Hey, Forest Girl! Nice talking with you, but we're leaving now. Goodbye." Not a sound, save for a crow fighting with a squirrel over an acorn farther down the hill. Tyronoe picked up a stone and tossed in it noisily to her right. Nothing happened. "Gliton!" No answer. "Gliton! What's happening?" More no answer. "Well, Danu on a pogo stick. What am I to do now?" Tyronoe thought it over. "Okay, I'm going after Gliton. You stay here, Packhorse." "I can do that." Tyronoe began crawling off to the left. She circled wide in hopes of get- ting behind the ambushing Forest Folk woman. It took a long time, and it was deathly quiet. Why no more shots? Why no moe calls to surrender? Did Gli- ton get her? If so, what had happened to Gliton? Tyronoe finally reached a vantage point where she could look down at the blind where the shots had come from. She saw Gliton sitting there, neatly trussed up. "What the devil....?" The hammer of a pistol clicked. Tyronoe rolled over and stared into the barrel of a Smith & Wooten Mark VII Headbanger. "Boo," said Halys. [Chapter 23 will appear nextish along with the next installment of "Entirely Too Slithy" - I'm running out of room... Ye Ed] Picture: Album cover for The Pissants, "The Usual Subjects" Penguin with some other bird head sticking out the back. Tracklist: Side A: "Je Me Lance Vers La Gloire" (D. Bryne) "Chinese Rhetoric As a Governmental Response to Management Theory" "Of Being a Participant in the Dominant Culture" "The Loft Was Pretty Funky" "Dysfunctional Family Dance" (D. Bowman) "Pagan TV Babies" (D. Bownam) Side B: "Wicked Little Doll" (D. Bowman) "One of Mozart's Letters Describing People Singing Arias" "Dangerous Noise" "So Down That Even Air Feels Painful" (D. Bowman) "I Don't Give a Rat's Ass What You Did Last Summer" (D. Martine) "'K Versta Niet Heel Veel Engels" (S. Roberts) All songs copyright 2002 by Courtney Anderson and Suzanne Anderson except where noted. (artist M. Capriola Jr.) ***************************************************************************** SOME UPCOMING CONVENTIONS UBCON 2005, Buffalo, NY, April 16-17, 2005, http://wings.buffalo.edu/sa/sarpa/ubcon2005. AGGIECON 36, College Station, TX, April 21-24, 2005, http://aggiecon.tamu.edu/ OHIO MORPHICON, Columbus, OH, April 29-May 1, 2005 , http://morphicon.org/ ANIME BOSTON, Boston, MA, April 29-May 1, 2005, http://www.animeboston.com/ MALICE DOMESTIC XVII, Arlington, VA, April 29-May 1, 2005, http://www.malicedomestic.org/ LEPRECON 31, Carefree, AZ, May 6-8, 2005, http://www.leprecon.org/lep31/ TO BE CONTINUED 4, THE MUSICAL, River Forest, IL, May 6-8, 2005, http://www.2becontinued.com/ UNITED FAN CON EAST, Quincy, MA, May 6-8, 2005, http://www.unitedfancon.com/east/ ANIME CENTRAL 2005, Rosemont, IL, May 13-15, 2005, http://www.acen.org/ TOLCON, Seattle, WA, May 13-15, 2005, http://www.tolcon.org/ MOBICON 8, Mobile, AL, May 20-22, 2005, http://www.mobicon.org/ * CALIFUR, Irvine, CA, May 20-23, 2005, http://www.califur.com OPUS: A FANTASY ARTS FESTIVAL, Denver, CO, May 20-22, 2005, http://www.opusfest.com/ CAPE MAY FUR MEET, Cape May, NJ, May 21-22, 2005, http://www.capemayfurmeet.org ROCKET CITY FURMEET, Huntsville, AL, May 27-29, 2005 , http://narf.wereanimal.net/ BAYCON 2005, San Jose, CA, May 27-30, 2005, http://www.baycon.org FANIME 2005, San Jose, CA, May 27-30, 2005, http://www.fanime.com/ OASIS 18, Orlando, FL, May 27-29, 2005, http://www.oasfis.org/oasis_18.html 5 BALTICON 39, Baltimore, MD, May 27-30, 2005, http://www.balticon.org/ MEDIAWEST*CON 25, Lansing, MI, May 27-30, 2005, http://members.aol.com/mdiawstcon/mwc25.htm CONQUEST 36, Kansas City, MO, May 27-29, 2005, http://www.kcsciencefiction.org/con36.htm MISCON 19, Missoula, MT, May 27-30, 2005, http://www.miscon.org/ MARCON 40, Columbus, OH, May 27-29, 2005, http://www.marcon.org/ ANTHROCON, Philadelphia, PA, July, 2005, http://www.anthrocon.org/index.html * indicates cons Ye Ed plans to attend. See ya! ***************************************************************************** THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule more or less and also available from my website at http://www.kayshapero.net/icindex.htm, where you can also find THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play. All of these are text-only. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2 oz worth). Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork; the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns. Contributions should be sent to me at kayshapero@earthlink.net Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are avail- able; write me for details. Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as fol- lows: ADS: Send all you please; I'm pulling the ad limit (at least for the mo- ment), though I reserve the right to serialize long stuff. If you can submit your contribution via e-mail (kayshapero@earthlink.net), or on a 3.5 floppy as plain text or a Word document, Ye Ed will be very happy with you. Ads are $.02 per line. (Note ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, as above. ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details. INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Inter- cepted for details. The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.) ADS NEXTISH DUE: May 1, 2005 PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: May 8, 2005 EDITOR: Kay Shapero SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero Make Life Interesting!