Cover: Halys Ifrit, diaphanous winged blonde with shoulder length straight hair, wearing a tanktop and jeans, pistol in hand, wry grin on face. Michael Capriola Jr. 5/05 THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED Volume 16 issue 14 ***************************************************************************** Around midnight on Friday, March 11, 2005, Fred Patten had a serious stroke. He managed to call 911, and the paramedics took him to the hospital. There was no damage to his mind, thank heaven, otherwise he has a paralyzed right arm and leg, and still is having trouble swallowing reliably. His vision has cleared and his voice over the phone sounds as clear as ever now. He's at Rancho Los Amigos National Rehabilitation Center in Downey (http://www.rancho.org/) , 7601 East Imperial Highway, Downey, CA 90242, Building 10, Room 1016. bed #2, phone number (562) 401-8328. The place is huge and it's easy to get lost, so if you're planning a visit you may also want to phone for directions. (If you can't reach Fred, try the Center's number at (562) 401-7111.) This is one of the best therapy hospitals in Southern California, and he's responding quite well. He's given Lee Gold durable power of attorney, and she's been doing impressive work handling his finances, getting him sighed up for Medi-Cal and stuff like that there, bless her. Since there's no way he was going to be able to return to his old apartment a group of us (again led by Lee) boxed up his incredible collection of anime/fannish stuff, most of which is going to UC Riverside Special Collection Library, where it will be known sensibly enough as the Fred Patten Collection. Between the material from his apartment and the stuff living in boxes in storage, two fully loaded 24' trucks were sent out to Riverside on the 25th. I'm told the Library was delighted.. I just hope they have a spare building on hand. Fred was thrilled by the whole thing; blessings on Mark Merlino who contacted them and gave Lee the info. The rest of his stuff will be stored here and there until he's sure what he wants to do with it. Ye Ed ***************************************************************************** Higgledy-piggledy Brunhild the Valkyrie Picked up dead bodies As quick as a wink Brought them to Odin who Necroman_tic_aly Brought them to life And they went off to drink. Even though I don't get cable, it's good to know "Seven Days" hasn't been forgotten. But our new arrival's name isn't "Frank," it's "Alex". I believe his middle initial _is_ "B", though... And due to his unique life, he probably _will_ answer to "Frank" right now... By the way, anyone remember the episode when we learned Frank B. Parker's middle name - and (probably) why he never mentioned it? Nathan catches the iron bar as it bounces off the captain's head and wades into the fray, repelling boarders with both the club and his hooked beak. TAN: Can you bend time so the Fictator can both enjoy his honeymoon and attend an emergency meeting of the I Team? I'm afraid it's vital, but his missing out would make the problem worse...AGENT 13-19 Yes, I can bend time, but wouldn't mind clone work better? (As Tan slows to a walk.) ACIA: You see, _he_ thinks there are things you just don't _say_ to a person for any reason other than malice, because if you don't believe them, you've got no right to say them, and if you _do_, you _by definition_ can't think there's anything constructive to be gained by saying them...THE FICTATOR... ACIA: And Magus doesn't count; he's the villain, and is _supposed_ to be malicious...THE FICTATOR... ATROPOS: You think we made a mistake?...TATA. TATA: Even if; we're committed now...ATROPOS. HIS LIEUTENANTS: You hear that? Miss Mock thinks I'm a bad leader now! What do you have to say?...MAGUS. MAGUS: Well, there _was_ the time...PURPLE-HAIRED LIEUTANANT. PURPLE-HAIRED LIEUTENANT: Lucca! _Barney Rubble_! ...BLONDE LIEUTENANT. No, Magus, I just wanted to see what power levels you run on, as to the Jeermistress? No again, you fly off the handle too easy at any insult which makes you the wrong leader for anything! As to my worst? You know this zone inhibits those from outside, so I find I have to play by its rules. I'm a chaos dragon, and I pity you and your friends. "Alright!" cheered Jazz Jackrabbit as the Instant Aliens approached him. "I was worried that this level wouldn't be a challenge." And with that, he switched his gun to Toaster mode and hurled a barrage of fireballs at the aliens, hoping that the heat would dehydrate them. Bong have a toon mindset, and are highly vulnerable to cliché (even the kind that don't happen in vintage cartoons). So, as the - gadget (I'm not saying it again!) - begins to play Charles' CD of Classic Exotic Dancer Themes... Omaha of Bong begins to sway to the rhythms. Kei of Bong, as her partner for now, begins to keep time with her. The rest of the charging Bong, guys all, stop to gawk. "Not yet," whispers Charles to Yuri. "Let it really take hold." The music goes out over the Bong public address system, which means Lolacuteass will hear it. Yeah, and the queen too... BONG QUEEN: Can you tell our viewers what is happening? Edison Carter, camera rolling... Hmm, "Tihs" could explain why, when I misread something, I'm often so _sure_ I _saw_ the wrong word with my own eyes! --- I have sometimes found goofs after proofreading the same text three times... Ye Ed --- MELANCHOLIA JONES: Re, "Cthulhu Chick Tract": the man who created it had to take it off his website because it violated the copyright of the original Jack Chick tracts. Phil the Cat Phil the Cat had little time to be outraged over his torn shirt pocket when he noticed that the Millers are about to fall onto the deck of the boat. Quickly, the orange-furred feline grabbed one of the crayons which had fallen from his pocket and began scribbling something on the deck. When he was done, a large, thick mattress appeared directly under the Millers. Tana was among the first to recover from the fall, and the first thing the Lapin did was to grab one of the skunk-pirates and hustle her to the edge of the boat, saying "Nobody grabs my mate except me!" Picture: Illo from envelope. Stamp showing Roy Acuff, fiddle in hand is surrounded by a sketch labeled "New Tallscreen TV", plugged into the wall. The Address Pixie is standing below, looking pleased with herself. Scott Thomas, 1/04 The Gingham Dog wonders if he overplayed the pretense of not knowing about the curses. Oh, well, things like that happen when you've got two chroniclers. Picture: Header: Sometimes, the best way to deal with really bossy and obnoxious people is to be very honest with them... The picture shows the artist, I think, speaking on the phone, watch in hand. "... For another sixteen minutes and twelve seconds, I get paid to deal with you. After that, I'm on my own time and gone from here. Fax over whatever it is you need within five minutes, and it will be boxed up and waiting for you just inside the door. No, I will not deliver it to you in my car and on my time. End warehouse transmission." Scott Thomas, 6/04 RECOMMENDED READING: "One Hundred Demons" by Lynda Barry. Independent cartoonist Lynda Barry illustrates the things in her past which still haunt her, such as her first job, the 2000 Presidential Election, and her best childhood friend, who she abandoned. Phil the Cat EVA EARLONG: We'd better get ready for the final showdown. Yes, you're in it...DEVAN SHELL. DEVAN SHELL: Mmmph!...EVA EARLONG. EVA EARLONG: Sticks and stones...DEVAN SHELL. * Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road. * Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis. From "How to Survive a Horror Movie" Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories? A. They used floodlights. Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark? A. Because Noah sat on the deck. Picture: Individual with pointy ears and teeth. "www.grindergirl.com. Just strange, but would make a cool Halloween costume..." Current BGM: "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas. Scott Thomas, 6/04 NEBULA AWARDS NOVEL Lois McMaster Bujold, _Paladin of Souls_. NOVELLA Walter Jon Williams, "The Green Leopard Plague" (Asimov's 10/03). NOVELETTE Ellen Klages, "Basement Magic" (F&SF 5/03). SHORT Eileen Gunn, "Coming to Terms" (_Stable Strategies and Others_). SCRIPT _The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King_. (From Ansible #214) RECOMMENDED:The Exploding Whale Page! See http://hackstadt.com/features/whale/ Ye Ed ***************************************************************************** WHY PARENTS DRINK... The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME." Picture: Camilla Sterling Speaks! Camilla (bat woman) in skirt and one- shoulder croptop, with a mug labeled "Java Jones". "Maybe I'm showin' my age in some ways, but clothes I wore in high school fit loose..." Scott Thomas, 4/02 Our Anime Feature, "Bard Captive Tempura," will not be seen tonight so that we may fill your head with SPLENDID PRISM AT THE SECANOL FILLTOP WRASSLE by the team of Acrade, Maus and Phool under the guidence of M.K. Capriola and the I Ching Additional material by M.J. Susko, Jr. Nicolai Shapero - Publisher Kay Shapero - Editor in Chief April Phool - Art Director C.D. and Richard Arcade - Vice Presidents in Charge of Driving Their Mother Crazy Gekkoo Nakajima - Office Lady in Charge of East Asian Affairs and the Tea Cart "Perky" Nakajima - V.P. in Charge of Uplifting Morale Patricia Qake - Poetry Editor Magda Qake - Disc Jockey Anastasia Executive, Jr - Comptroller M.J. Susko, Jr. - V.P. in Charge of Castle Architecture Halys Ifrit - Small Arms Consultant Melissa Ifrit - Bunny Trainer Sue-Ellen Travers - Bouncer Heather Travers Garland - Costumes Glen Garland - V.P. in Charge of the TV Remote Control Simris Smugsdottir - Resident Dragon Akane Tendo* - V.P. in Charge of the Cafeteria Courtney and Suzanne Anderson - Musical Directors Morgain le Fay - Onsite Physician Miss Ng - Martial Arts Consultant Siobhan Einstein - Chemistry and Physics Consultant Vedis Wendellyn - Magicial Affairs Consultant Ginga High Clan Vitas - Mountainfolk Mythology & Folktakes Consultant Lance Corporals Shok Hyfeld and Pepper N. Soult - Security Hashill Dammitt - Token Alien Susan and Gretchen Gato - Stole Glen Garland's Cigarettes, the little rascals [*Miss Tendo is copyright Rumiko Takahashi, and can't cook worth a damn.] CHAPTER XXIII: Background Expository [BGM: "I'm Your Nail, So Hammer Me" by the Pissants. Written by the Anderson sistes] "The Second Hilltop Castle was built right on top of the ruins of the First Hilltop Castle," Ann Jynah explained as they walked along beside the wall. "In fact, when we get there, you will be able to see a line of demarcation between the foundation and the rest of the castle because of the different types of stone used in the construction of the two castles. "'Many years ago, the local king destroyed the castle of a defeated rival and erected a new castle for his son's residence. The prince, possibly doubting the justness of his father's cause more than his father had, never lived in the castle, and its abandonment led to its use by this or that group of sinister forces over the years.' At least that's what it says in the History of the Kingdom of Fordor written by the semi-famous historian Michael Joseph." "That's before Fordor became part of the Kingdom of Chutzpah?" the Gingham Dog asked. "Oh, yes, Mr. Dog. That was a very long time ago. There was a terrible war between King Erroneous of Fordor and King Mediocrates of Pompass. There was much spilling of blood and pillaging of the countryside. King Sorryman the Opportunist of Chutzpah arranged a peace conference, killed both rival sovereigns and marched his armies into the two smaller kingdoms. They say that Prince Buppkiss held the Second Hilltop Castle against the army of Chutzpah for at least twenty minutes before surrendering to King Sorryman's very generous bribe." "So the Prince got to live in the lap of luxury in exchange for abdicating his father's throne?" "Yes, though only for about a week. While hunting one day, he accidentally shot himself in the back with an arrow." "Ah, yes. Of course. I believed that happened to the Norman King William Rufus as well." "Yes, kings are always having fatal accidents of one type or another. They fall down stairs and land onto a knife, or get serious food poisoning, or smother themselves with their own pillow while they sleep. Why, I've even read of a king who was accidentally stabbed to death with one of his wife's knitting needles. Poor woman consoled herself by marrying the captain of the guard." "Uh-huh. I read somewhere that a Duke Clarence, who was in line for the throne of England, drowned in a vat of wine." The Gingham Dog didn't bother to mention the hired assassins who'd assisted Duke Clarence with his drowning. "Just as I was saying. Royalty can be so accident-prone. Anyway, King Sorryman gave the Second Hilltop Castle to his soothsayer who became the first Priestess of the Ecclesiastical County of Fordor." "Say, Miss Jynah. That flame that dances above your head.... It's shrinking." "Oh, that's only because I'm hungry. It's nearly dinner time, you know." <_Hey, Eri_.> The dark-haired elf-girl turned her head at Bloodstone's telepathic greeting. <_Yes?_> <_You ever notice how much humans like to talk, and how little they actually say that's worth hearing?_> <_Well, background exposition can be quite useful._> <_Not as useful as a plate full of roadkill and a barrel of ale._> The road began to curve around to the left, and quite soon the party was at the side gate to the grounds of the Second Hilltop Castle. The dragon on guard lifted one sleepy eyelid to examine the group. "A good day to you, Ojn," Ann said in greeting. "Keeping busy?" The dragon snorted a bit of steam and waved them on through. Inside the gate the quartet stopped to stare in awe at the castle. Ann Jynah waved her hand in a grand gesture to encompass the glory before them. "Behold the Second Hilltop Castle, home of Her Most Exhaltedness, the Priestess Splendid Wisdom!" [Next time, Chapter 24: Miss Ng in Action. Be there!] And now, our anime special feature presentation, (with apologies to Rumiko Takahashi, as if she cares what we're doing) RAMEN HALF-PRICE Starring Masamune "Bunny" Foo-Foo as Ramen Sourtummi The heir to the Ambush in the Dark School of Martial Arts, Ramen is being forced to marry Akandy Tendon in order to merge the dojo with the Tendon family restaurant. To complicate matters, Ramen is under a curse which causes him to turn into a nubile female every time he eats noodles. And he must fight for control of the Tendon restaurant against Awoogah Bikini who intends to marry Akandy himself. Awoogah's secret is that he is also cursed, and turns into a miniature burro during the full moon. _Roll credits_ (BGM: "Take Me Out To The Ballgame, Or To A Movie, Or To A Bank Robbery, But Please Take Me Out For Once, You Lazy Sack Of Offal" by the Pissants) _Opening scene: Wide angle shot of Fur Freaking High School. Students are filing out the doors at the end of the day. Camera zooms in on two students, school bags slung over their shoulders._ 1st Student: "You ever notice that we never see Ramen and his twin sister together? Seems kind of odd, like not seeing Clark Kent and Superman together." 2nd Student: "Maybe they can't stand each other." 1st Student: "Who? Clark Kent and Superman?" 2nd Student: "No, Ramen and Rumiko, you dumb f—" WE INTERRUPT OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM WITH THIS IMPORTANT EPISODE OF SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND HILLTOP CASTLE by Penny Arcade, Micki Maus, and April Phool CHAPTER 24: MISS NG IN ACTION The Gingham Dog appears courtesy of M.J. Susko, Jr (not that _he_ cares what we're doing) I. (BGM: "Born, Never Asked" by Laurie Anderson) "You were born. And so you're free. So happy birthday." -- Laurie Anderson, "Born, Never Asked" Inside the gate the quartet stopped to stare in awe at the castle. Ann Jynah waved her hand in a grand gesture to encompass the glory before them. "Behold the Second Hilltop Castle, home of Her Most Exaltedness, the Priestess Splendid Wisdom!" As Ann had stated, the foundation of the castle was of one color and type of stone, and the rest of the building of different materials and colors. Quite a few different materials and colors. It was part Japanese castle, part Romanesque, and part Arabian with a touch of Baroque, a dash of Khmer, a smidgen of Byzantine, and a Hellenic Stoa. The late afternoon sun burnished the western facade of the castle in an amazing and improbable shade of puke green. "Who was the architect," the Gingham Dog asked. "M. C. Escher?" "I am not familiar with that company. The second castle was built by the firm of Howard, Fine & Howard." "You're kidding." "Not in the least. It took some doing, but King Erroneous was able to hire them at great expense." "This ought to be a treat," he muttered with heavy sarcasm. "Yes, indeed!" Ann said brightly. "Very few are so fortunate." "Can we cut the gabfest and get something to eat?" Bloodstone demanded. "Yes. Certainly. Right this way." Ann led them down the length of the columned stoa to a mint-green door outlined in a darker, deep forest-green. The door opened as they approached, and a lithe woman stepped out of the doorway. Her outfit was loose-fitting and white and emblazoned with blue dragons. She had a sheathed sword tucked into her sash, and the hilts of other weapons poked out of pockets and boot tops. She had Asian eyes and cheekbones, and her raven hair was pulled up into a loose ponytail. The strange woman exchanged bows with Ann Jynah. "A pleasant evening to you, Journeyman Sorceress." "Fortune be yours, Miss Ng. Miss Ng, may I present a Mister Dog who is to be her Exalted Excellency's Court Jester. Mister Dog, this is Miss Ng, Constabulary Staff Supervisor." More bows were exchanged. "Miss Ng comes to us from the distant Jade Kingdom of Wu-Wei. And these are Mister Dog's two assistants, a Miss Eri and a Miss Bloodstone." Miss Ng's eyes fixed on Bloodstone, and the woman's left hand moved ever so casually to rest beside a knife hilt. For her part, Bloodstone reached up to scratch behind her right ear, placing her hand close to the hilt of the sword strapped to her back. The Gingham Dog watched, with growing dismay, the two females sizing each other up. _This Constable is no fool, and she sees Bloodstone for the wolf that she is. Bloodstone knows this, and wolf and shepard are facing off. We're deep in it now._ "Where are you off to this lovely evening, Miss Ng?" Ann inquired. "There's a disturbance down the valley. Loud noises and such." Ng's eyes remained fixed on the red-haired elf. "Ah, that would be the winged General who plans to ambush a group of sorceresses coming to rob the castle." "Yeah," G.D. said with sudden inspiration. "There's a few brigands and other ruffians polluting -- _desecrating_ -- your beautiful and sacred countryside, which is why I hired my own bodyguard." Ann looked surprised. "You never said she was your bodyguard." "Didn't I? Probably because you didn't ask. But I should have mentioned. Sorry." As an afterthought he added, "But she does juggle knives and dwarves. They, uh, also do comedy. Of sorts." The two elves exchanged knowing glances and a quick telepathic conversation, then Eri spoke up. "Who's Miss Ng?" "That's Miss Ng," Bloodstone replied and pointed at the Wu-Weian woman. "She's not Miss Ng -- she's right here." "Huh?" "What?" Ann Jynah clapped her hands. "Aren't they simply marvelous, Miss Ng?" Gingham Dog half expected Ng to reply, "Yes. That was humor. I recognize it." Instead, the warrior said, "It seems that I need to go sort out this General and the invading sorcerers." Miss Ng's eyes never left Bloodstone. "If you will excuse me...." Ann bowed once again and ushered Mr. Dog and the two elves through the doorway. The Gingham Dog cast one quick glance over his shoulder from inside the foyer. Ng was still watching them. _Crap on a stick_, the Gingham Dog thought to himself. II. "Beispiele paranormaler Tonbandstimmen. Was sind paranormale Tonbandstimmen? Es sind Stimmen unbekannte herkunft. Es sing paranormaler Tonbandstimmen- Ihren Klang. Ich verstehe die Sprachen. Ich verstehe die Sprachen nicht. Ich hore nur Irhen Klang. The sun is shining slowly The birds are flying so low. Honey you're my one and only, So pay me what you owe me." -- Laurie Anderson, "Beispiel Nummer zweiundzwanzig" Deep in the recesses of the Secret Headquarters of the Consulting Agency, a group of nicely dressed and well-groomed bureaucrats gathered around a conference table. "This is the situation," the Director began. He had the aura of a menacing bat. His droopy gray eyes were like two windows looking out on an overcast sky. Above a wide forehead he wore his curly, chocolate-colored hair in a style that reminded one of a devil's horns, a "Dilbert" cartoon character. The Director was very short, but with a broad-shouldered build. "The Trans- Temporal Police need someone to infiltrate the Second Hilltop Castle in the Kingdom of Chutzpah. That's in universe SUGO one-nine-nine-five dash six- six-one-zero. They have a retired agent currently in the Kingdom -- a former liaison office and part-time general named Ifrit. But they can't contact her. So they need us to send an agent." "I recommend Agent Twenty-four Decant," said the Deputy of Operations. He had narrow, green eyes and the manner of a prowling jackal. He was on the tall side with an elegant build and tanned skin. "Inadvisable," said Legal Affairs. This lady put one in mind of a dishonest shyster, which she so happened to be. Her deep-set black eyes were like two lumps of coal. Her luxurious, wavy, night-black hair was worn in a style resembling a pile of shredded paper. She was short and slender, with dark skin. Her wardrobe was severe. "Twenty-four Decant is the name of a character in a novel by Michael Flynn, _The Wreck of the River of Stars_. We must choose another agent to avoid copyright lawsuits." "But Agent Twenty-four is our best!" said the Director. "Then send your second best," countered Legal Affairs. "That would be Agent Twenty-three Skidoo." The Director slammed both palms onto the table top and leaned forward. "That bumbling idiot?!" "Agent Twenty-three has a success rating of one hundred percent, same as Agent Twenty-four," Legal Affairs commented. "Yes, but Agent Twenty-three's missions not only end in success, but in widespread collateral damage and media coverage. She's about as subtle as a four-alarm blaze in a fireworks factory." "Still, she does get the job done," the Deputy of Operations murmured. "No, let's send the Dirty Duo -- Cei and Yuri." "Impossible," said the Deputy of Operations. "Yuri Mikailovitch Gospodin is in the hospital with a 'social' disease. Cei Llwellyn remains at his partner's bedside to torture him with social disease jokes." The Director sank back into his leather chair, resigned to the circumstances. "All right, then. Send in Agent Twenty-three Skidoo. And may Phred help us." Legio III Gallica. (BGM: "One of Mozart's Letters Describing People Singing Arias" by the Pissants) _[Note to April from Penny: This chapter is supposed to be about Miss Ng, and you've introduced a new character. Get with the program.] [Note to Penny from April: Halys will be in the big fight scene with Ng.] [Note to April from Micki: Then go directly to the fight scene.] [Note to Micki from April: Without background info and building up the character and all that other stuff you writers do?] [Note to April from Micki: Go back to drawing pictures and let Penny and me write this chapter.] [Note to Micki from April: Shouldn't that be "Penny and I"?] [Note to April from Micki: No. Figure it this way -- "Let me write the chapter" is proper, whereas "Let I write the chapter" isn't. So if I add Penny's name it becomes "Let Penny and me write the chapter."] [Note to Micki from April: Okay. So, shouldn't Penny and me write the chapter while you start on the spring cleaning?] [Note to April from Micki: No, you're still saying it wrong. In the sentence you used in your last memo you should have said "Penny and I."] [Note to Micki from April: Oh. Got it. But that still doesn't answer my question.] [Note to Micki and April from Penny: What was the question again? Me, myself and I would like to know.]_ XXXIX Panzer Korps. (BGM: "Springtime for Hitler" from "The Producers") Agent 23-Skidoo, under the name of Valeria Halla, was dropped in the middle of a town in the uplands of the Kingdom of Chutzpah. It didn't take her long to realize that her clothing was about a hundred and fifty years out of fashion. No other woman on the street wore the short brocade vest or the pleated skirt, not to mention the four-pointed hat. However, the town square was packed for a festival, and many people were wearing traditional and/or historical costume. Here Agent 23 would not look out of place. Her unicorn pendant was also out of date. This was not the decade of the Giant Pink Unicorn. It was the decade of the Gingham-Clad Dog. The minstrel troupe on stage all wore Gingham clothes and dog-masks. "What buildin' dat, Dufus?" "Department of Defence." "De fence gots its own 'partment? Is dere a 'partment for de sidewalk, too?" "Huh?" "What?" Agent 23 could tell by the uproarious laughter that, on a scale of one to ten for culture, with Los Angeles as One and yogurt as a Ten, this township was a definite zero at the least. "Lookit dere. Here comes our bro' Jar-Jar Winks." "Howdy, boys. Me-sa just got out of de army." "But I t'ought you had two more years on you' enlistment, Jar-Jar." "You know me-sa can't count." Agent 23 revived her earlier estimate and placed the town at minus five. Bored to tears, the agent wiped her eyes and went to the inn on the corner to see about a room and to ask for directions to the Second Hilltop Castle. "You want dat room by th' night or th' hour, miss?" Agent 23 frowned at the inn-keeper. "What an absurd question. I intend to sleep through most of the night, not take a nap," she clarified. "Uh, right, miss." "How far, and in what direction, is the Second Hilltop Castle?" "Ah. You go round th' hill and turn left where th' road forks on th' way to Sedan and dat'll take you to th' Spaid River. Good luck getting across it dis time of year. Or you can go over th' hill and through th' woods past Granny Hood's house. Once out of Hood's Wood, twirl around three times, and spit into th' wind." "And what is the purpose of that ritual?" "Just tradition. Supposed to bring luck, 'cuz you got three roads to chose from when you exit Hood's Wood. And any of 'em can be th' right road depending on th' day, th' phase of th' Moon, the King's horoscope, and th' Prime Minister's flatulence. Dere's some kind of magical flux on th' roads leading to th' Castle. But two out of three will be th' wrong road, and where are you then?" "I don't know. Where am I then? Or, where will I be?" "Few live to tell th' tale. Many live not to tell it. Some don't care one way or d'other, and just go on living. 'Tis a mystery." _'Tis a pile of bull droppings,_ Agent 23 thought to herself. V Corps, Army of the Potomac (BGM: "Battle Hymn of the Republic" performed by the Pixie Chicks, who are copyright Scott Thomas 2005) Miss Ng scouted the area after capturing the three miscreant brawlers on a charge of Disturbing the Peace and Serenity of Her Exalted Excellency's Ecclesiastical County. Down the slope she came upon a spot where someone had laid down in the grass for a long time before departing under the burden of a large and cumbersome piece of luggage. Obviously a tourist or some other traveler who'd stopped to nap, and of no further consequence. Miss Ng strode back to where she'd left her captives bound and gagged. Hands on hips, she studied the trio - a young woman, a child, and a blond fairy of indeterminable age. The fairy had just finished tying up the woman when Miss Ng arrived. Over-powering a trio of Disturbers of the Peace and Serenity was easy if two of them were already incapacitated before hand. Miss Ng fingered the Pog she'd taken from the fairy. It had a magical aura of some kind. She pocketed it and examined the firearm. The Jade Kingdom of Wu-Wei had experimented with gunpowder and firearms, but had developed nothing like this. Ng tucked the weapon into its holster, and slung the holster over her shoulder. She now freed the bindings on her captives' legs (leaving arms bound behind their backs, and mouths gagged) and helped them stand. "Remember: you cannot run faster than I. And if you think of splitting up and running in opposite directions, that only means I'd have to cut one or more of you down with my sword. So behave." Miss Ng marched the criminals up the road to the Second Hilltop Castle. Along the way she tallied up the crimes she could list on the charge sheets. Juvenile Delinquency for the child, and Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor for the woman. Being a Fairy Without a Proper License for the third brawler. Aggravated Assault for the three of them on top of Disturbing the Peace and Serenity. Resisting Arrest for the fairy, too, along with Striking a Constable's Boot With One's Face (the latter charge being shortened, on paper, to Striking a Constable). Miss Ng regretted that it was not a school day. Otherwise, she could charge the child with Truancy, and the woman and the fairy with Contributing to the Truancy of a Minor. Miss Ng tallied the probable sentences. Ten to fifteen years of slavery for the woman, no more than eight years of slavery for the child - assuming the sentences ran consecutively. An extra twenty years of slavery for the fairy for being un-licensed, bringing _her_ total to thirty or so years. A most productive evening, Miss Ng mused as she herded her prisoners toward the Castle. The sun began to sink below the horizon. _[Note to April from Penny: This is an after-action report. Where's the fight scene?] [Note to Penny from April: My blue macaw ate it.]_ XXX. OOO. (BGM: "It's Lonely at the Top, But the Service is Better" by the Pissants) Vesket lugged the luggage down to the road towards Sedan. Or at least in the direction she thought Sedan lay. When she came upon an intersection of three roads blurry in a magical flux, she did not realize that astrological, calendarical, and flatulencent readings needed to be taken. She stood there confused in the midst of the intersection as the mist rose up around her.... Stay tuned for Chapter 25: Vesket Through the Looking Glass! We now return you to our regularly scheduled program: "Captain Horatio Horbinder of the Royal Space Cavalry!" Some Upcoming Conventions * CaliFur, Irvine, CA, May 20-23, 2005 http://www.califur.com Cape May Fur Meet, Cape May, NJ, May 21-22, 2005 http://www.capemayfurmeet.org Rocket City FurMeet, Huntsville, AL, May 27-29, 2005 http://narf.wereanimal.net/ BayCon 2005, San Jose, CA, May 27-30, 2005 http://www.baycon.org Fanime 2005, San Jose, CA, May 27-30, 2005 http://www.fanime.com/ Balticon 39, Baltimore, MD, May 27-30, 2005 http://www.balticon.org/ MediaWest*Con 25, Lansing, MI, May 27-30, 2005 http://members.aol.com/mdiawstcon/mwc25.htm ConQuesT 36, Kansas City, MO, May 27-29, 2005 http://www.kcsciencefiction.org/con36.htm MisCon 19, Missoula, MT, May 27-30, 2005 http://www.miscon.org/ Animazement 2005, Durham, NC, May 27-29, 2005 http://www.animazement.org/ Marcon 40, Columbus, OH, May 27-29, 2005 http://www.marcon.org/ CONduit XV: Dragons of CONduit, Salt Lake City, UT, May 27-29, 2005 http://conduit.sfcon.org/CONduit/ WisCon 29, Madison, WI, May 27-30, 2005 http://www.sf3.org/wiscon/ ConCarolinas 2005, Charlotte, NC, June 3-5, 2005 http://www.secfi.org/concarolinas/, Anthrocon, Philadelphia, PA, July, 2005 http://www.anthrocon.org/index.html * indicates cons Ye Ed plans to attend. See ya! ***************************************************************************** THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule more or less and also available from my website at http://www.kayshapero.net/icindex.htm, where you can also find THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play. All of these are text-only. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2 oz worth). Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork; the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns. Contributions should be sent to me at kayshapero@earthlink.net Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are avail- able; write me for details. Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as fol- lows: ADS: Send all you please; I'm pulling the ad limit (at least for the mo- ment), though I reserve the right to serialize long stuff. If you can submit your contribution via e-mail (kayshapero@earthlink.net), or on a 3.5 floppy as plain text or a Word document, Ye Ed will be very happy with you. Ads are $.02 per line. (Note ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, as above. ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details. INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Inter- cepted for details. The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.) ADS NEXTISH DUE: June 1, 2005 PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: June 8, 2005 EDITOR: Kay Shapero SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero Make Life Interesting!