Thank you for the kind and thoughtful invitation to your:
wedding
divorce party
fund-raising dinner
little darling's bar/t mitzvah
fugghead fondling contest
boar hunt
bash
As always, your:
computer-generated printout
distinguishedly calligraphed
delightfully witty
childish and illiterate
messily repro'ed
sophomoric and blasphemous
announcement and the inaccurate and confusing map (if any) was
eagerly waited for
received with pleasure
an unexpected honor
an expected honor
delivered by the postman
Ordinarily, not even the
sinister mafia
Mexican mafia
Jewish mafia
Moral Majority
risks to my health
could keep me away, but as you
may well realize
have possibly forgotten
could not be expected to know
should have remembered
sent out invites to everybody
this raises a most unforeseen scheduling conflict with
my mother's funeral
the gala grand opening of my new dry cleaning establishment
other pressing matters
and it is with
deep dismay
profound sadness
the agony of decision
true fannish aplomb
gut-churning, stomach-disquieting, soul-sickening despair
a sigh of relief
that I reply that I cannot now plan to attend.
Rest assured that should circumstances change, and
the wind shift
the wine list improve drastically
the dry cleaners' local go on strike
my therapist go on vacation
you start showering more
I may be able to make a brief appearance after all.
Please do not think for a moment that I give any credence to the
amusing
preposterous
disgusting
spine-tingling
DNQ
widely rumored
printed in Locus
mentioned in the newspaper radio, Newsweek, and TV
reports of your inability to:
hold
restrain
pick up after
get hold of
housebreak
make monthly payments on
stand upright without assistance from
your
nosy neighbors
liquor
el cheapo munchies
garbage from previous soirees
Red Mountain
backed-up plumbing
funny-looking cigarettes
small herd of guard dogs
bootleg video cassettes
noisy card players
scratchy rock records
parakeet
religious zeal for Rev. Moon
Instant Message support group
My best regards to your
wife/husband
ex-wife/husband
new wife/husband
girlfriend/boyfriend
live-in maid
young child
inner child
pet
and her/his unfortunate
fleas
fungus
small appliances
Medfly infestation
stupid puns
battle to avoid extradition
eating habits
As always, I remain
Sincerely
Respectfully
Affectionately
Cordially
Truly
Devotedly
Faithfully
Putridly
Yours,
_________________________________________________________________________
PS.:
Maybe we could make it next_____________.
Remember me for next time.
Could you move to a more accessible location?
Could you move farther away?
How about we schedule it again, say in late 2022?
Don't you owe me $_______?
Could you send some of the leftovers in a doggie bag?
Write it up in APA-L.
We gotta get together for drinks.
Fifi says hello.
Mom says hi.
Please take me off your mailing list.